Finding your village as a single mom
I knew being a single mom by choice was going to take a lot of work and I knew going in I wouldn’t be able to do it all alone. But the idea of “it takes a village” takes on new meaning once you’re in the thick of things. Finding a network and leveraging support is so vitally important when you’re already a set of hands down. But the village I thought I needed became a very different entity once I was a mom. So let’s take a minute to talk about support for single moms and what forms that village can take on.
The village I thought I needed
Before my son was born, I had this picture in my head of what my support system would be. My parents would cuddle the boo and read him books. My sister would babysit on occasion. My friends would drop by with coffee and coo over the baby while I threw a load of laundry in.
And some of that did happen, don't get me wrong. My family was incredible those first few months when I was barely surviving on no sleep and recovering from my nightmare birth experience. But what I didn't realize is that the village you need as a single mom isn't just about immediate family or big gestyres. It's about all the tiny, everyday moments when you realize you're doing this on your own.
Like when your baby is screaming at 2 AM and you just need someone to tell you it's going to be okay. Or when he does something adorable and you want to share it with someone as deeply invested in him as you are. Or when you're sick with the flu but still have to function because there's literally no other parent around.
The village I actually built
My real village ended up looking different than I expected. Here are a few ways to build connection even if you are a solo parent:
My online groups: I joined a bunch of online mom groups when my little guy was about four months old, and wow did it help give me perspective. I learned from other moms about what worked for sleep, for breastfeeding, for behaviour, for food. Yes, everyone has an opinion, but having access to a wealth of mom knowledge whenever you need it is wonderful. It also helped my anxiety to know I could canvas mass opinions about anything I was stumped by and have answers in minutes. While these groups didn’t give me lifelong friends, they did give me knowledge and support when I needed it.
My daycare provider: Finding the right daycare is so important. Yes, you need one that will keep your kid safe and happy but you also need one with teachers who connect with your kiddo and care about him. Leaving your child behind is the worst feeling in the world so I appreciate that my son has a few teachers who will send me photos and updates on how he’s doing. One of his teachers even became his babysitter which is just so awesome. I have no worries about leaving him at school or babysitting with this teacher who clearly cares about it. It’s a wonderful channel for support.
My neighbours: My neighbours and I aren’t exactly besties, but we've got this sweet little trade system going. They pass along outgrown kids' clothes and toys, and I drop off thank you cakes or whatever I've been stress-baking that week. It's not deep conversations over coffee, but it's this quiet kind of support that makes the neighborhood feel a little less lonely. Sometimes village doesn't mean intimate friendship. Sometimes it just means people who see you and think of you.
My local moms: This one took me longer to crack than I expected. I thought I'd naturally click with other moms at daycare pickup or at the playground, but it turns out making mom friends as an adult is basically like dating but more awkward. I'd smile at the same moms week after week, but it took months before we got to the point of actually grabbing coffee. But once you start these friendships with a few local moms, they build and your group widens. Now I have women I can call to say, “We’re going stir crazy. Want to meet at the park?” From these women I’ve also received advice, babysitting recommendations, and tips on fun activities for the kids.
My babysitters: Finding reliable childcare as a single mom is like finding a unicorn, but when I finally found a few regular babysitters life got easier. I say a few because you always need backups. I have one who can come during the day if my kid is sick and I need to work and others who can do evening shifts so I can go out on occasion. As I mentioned above, daycare is a great place to find evening sitters and I used my mom groups and online forums to find my day backups.
The unexpected village members
Some of the most important people in my village are ones I never saw coming:
The grocery store clerk who entertains my toddler while I'm trying to wrangle both him and a cart full of food and never fails to ask about him even when I shop alone. The neighbour who walks his dog on a similar morning schedule and always stops so my kid can pet his pooch. The fruit stand vendor who let’s me know when they have A+ Asian pears because he knows my kid loves them. The pediatrician who wants to be a SMBC too and always wants to chat about what life is like. Even other parents at the playground have become informal village members. We might not know each other's names, but we're all in the trenches together, and there's an unspoken understanding that we've got each other's backs for the hour we're there.
Not everyone will be directly involved in your childcare but having that community and connection can make you feel less alone when you’re doing it all on your own.
The expected village members
This blog wouldn't be complete without a shout out to the village members I assumed I'd have going in who stepped up in every way possible. My family has been a constant support.
I rent part of the house from my parents, and honestly, I don't know how single moms do it without that kind of hands-on help. They're the ones who take over when I'm having a rough day, who get on the floor and play with my little guy, and who remind me to eat actual meals instead of surviving on goldfish crackers and caffeine. Having them right there means I'm never truly alone in those overwhelming moments, even though all the big parenting decisions and responsibilities still come down to me.
My sister shows up every weekend with her kid in tow, and watching my son play with his cousin is pure magic. But beyond that, she's my sounding board for all the parenting decisions that keep me up at night. She gets the day-to-day reality of raising kids in a way that friends without children just can't, and sometimes I need that perspective from someone who loves my little guy as much as I do.
Then there's my nightly video calls with my grandmother. She's the one who listens to every single milestone update, no matter how small. "He said 'mama' seventeen times today!" gets the same enthusiastic response as his first steps did. And when I'm second-guessing myself as a mom, she reminds me of all the ways I'm getting it right.
My aunt visits often, bringing this perfect energy that my son absolutely adores. She's the one who shows up with surprise gifts, hand sewn costumes, and stays to help with whatever is needed. My son begs to go with her when she has to go home.
My family is my foundation, my rock. The heart of my village. And without them, this journey I’m documenting would look so very different and incredibly harder.
Building your village takes time
Here's what I wish someone had told me: your village doesn't appear overnight, and it's going to look different than you expect. It took me almost a year to figure out who my people actually were outside of family and I'm still adding to it.
Some relationships I thought would be central to my support system faded away. Some people I barely knew stepped up in ways I didn’t expect. And some days, my village is just me and my tea at 5 AM when the rest of the house is silent.
The hardest part about building a village as a single mom is that you have to be intentional about it. You can't just wait for support to show up, you have to actively seek it out, ask for help, and be vulnerable with people. And when you're already exhausted from doing everything solo, putting yourself out there to build relationships feels impossible some days.
But I promise you, it's worth it. Because the day your toddler takes a tumble at the park and three different parents rush over to make sure he's okay, you'll realize your village isn't just about the people closest to you. It's about being part of a community of people who understand that raising tiny humans is hard work, and we're all better when we support each other.
My little guy is almost 18 months now, and I'm still figuring out this village thing. But I know that the support system I have now – messy and imperfect as it is – is exactly what we need. And honestly? I'm pretty proud of what we've built together.