Things I wish I'd known before becoming a SMBC

Jul 17

When I decided to become a single mom by choice (SMBC), I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I was walking into. I’d read the books, scrolled the forums, talked to people who’d gone down this path before me. I told myself I was ready. And in some ways, I really was. But just like anything in life, there are always the things you don’t realize until you’re smack in the middle of them, covered in baby spit-up and googling at 3 a.m.

So, for anyone thinking about this journey—or even just curious—here are a few of the things I wish someone had whispered in my ear before I jumped in.

1. People will have opinions. So many opinions.

I expected curiosity. What I didn’t expect was how comfortable people would feel telling me exactly what they thought of my decision. Some were supportive: “Wow, that’s amazing!” Others… not so much. I’ve heard everything from “But won’t your child miss out without a dad?” to “Isn’t that selfish?” to “I could never do that.”

At first, I tried to explain myself. I wanted people to understand my “why.” Eventually, I realized I didn’t owe anyone an essay on my life choices. My child is loved, wanted, and cared for and that’s the beginning and end of the story. Learning to nod politely and move on has saved me so much mental energy.

2. The logistics are harder than you think

Yes, you know you’ll be tired. Yes, you know childcare is expensive. But there’s no real way to picture what it means until you’re in it. Being the only parent in the house means every diaper, every middle-of-the-night wakeup, every daycare drop-off falls to you.

I can’t “tap out” when I’m sick. I can’t say, “Can you grab the baby while I go shopping?” It’s a lot. And some days, it feels like too much. I wish I’d known just how important it would be to build systems early, like meal planning, backup babysitters, leaning on neighbors or family. Those little structures are what keep the whole thing from toppling over.

3. Your support network might surprise you

This one was a pleasant surprise. I thought I knew who would be there for me, but the reality didn’t always match the picture in my head. Some friends drifted away (kids aren’t their thing, and that’s okay). Meanwhile, others stepped up, coming to me for visits so I don’t have to travel, dropping off second hand items, being my sounding board in the middle of the night, etc.

And then there’s the “chosen family” you pick up along the way. Other moms at daycare. That neighbor who shows up with a bag of hand-me-downs. Online SMBC groups where people just get it. I wish I’d known how valuable those connections would be. They don’t replace having a partner, but they fill in some of the gaps.

4. Money will stress you out

Even if you’ve budgeted, even if you feel stable, it’s different when you’re the only financial safety net. There’s no second income if you lose your job. There’s no one to split unexpected costs with. That pressure can feel really heavy.

I wish I’d built a bigger emergency fund before diving in. I also wish I’d been gentler with myself about not giving my child “everything.” The truth is, kids don’t need everything. They need love, stability, and your presence. The rest is noise (even if that noise comes in the form of expensive strollers and Instagram-worthy playrooms).

5. The loneliness is real and that’s okay to admit

I love my child fiercely. I wouldn’t change this choice for the world. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely sometimes. The evenings can be especially quiet once bedtime hits. The holidays sometimes sting. Watching couples tag-team parenting in the park can trigger that little voice that says, “Must be nice.”

What I wish I’d known is that it’s okay to feel both things at once: grateful for the life you chose, and sad about what’s missing. Those feelings aren’t contradictions, they’re just part of the package. Letting myself acknowledge the loneliness (instead of stuffing it down) has made it easier to manage.

6. Your relationship with yourself will change

I didn’t expect motherhood to reshape my sense of self quite so much. It’s not just that I’m “Mom” now, it’s that I’ve proven to myself that I can do hard things. When I’m up at 2 AM, bleary-eyed and rocking a cranky baby, I sometimes think: Wow, I’m actually doing this.

There’s a confidence that comes from knowing you’re the safety net, the anchor, the everything. It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes cry in the shower(trust me, I do). But it does mean I walk a little taller. I’m proud of this version of me.

7. You’ll find joy in the smallest moments

When you’re the only adult in the room, you get every giggle, every milestone, every “Mama!” shouted across the playground. You don’t share those firsts. You get them all to yourself. And while that can feel like a lot of responsibility, it also feels like magic.

I didn’t fully understand just how sweet those moments would be. The exhaustion fades, but the memory of my child’s belly laugh while we danced in the kitchen? That stays forever.

Final thoughts

Becoming a SMBC isn’t easy. It’s messy, exhausting, sometimes lonely. But it’s also empowering, joyful, and deeply worth it. If I could go back, I’d still choose this path a thousand times over, just maybe with a bigger freezer stash of meals and a thicker skin for other people’s opinions.

So if you’re standing on the edge of this decision, know this: you don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to know your “why.” The rest, you’ll learn as you go—just like I did.

Thank you